top 5 tuesday: stuff I should do

Things a Responsible, Productive Member of Society Would Do

5. lesson plan
4. deal with bills, accounts, and money
3. set and achieve some goals
2. stretch (maybe even exercise!)
1. sleep when it's actually night time

top 5 tuesday

Top 5 things that have already happened to me in college that shouldn't have (I have been here for a week)

5) skipped a class
4) partied on a school night
3) spoke to an RA drunk
2) walked in on my roommate boning her boyfriend
1) had the cops show up at my room

lessons I learned the hard way

12. empire waist tops may be fashionable, but they've always been popular in the maternity section.

Not everyone is a fashionista, people.

random facts

The Cute One has been sexiled from her room...since Saturday


THANKS ROOMIE

random facts

It's free Coldstone icecream Thursday
free 3oz ice cream at Coldstone creameries

check it out!!

things I thought were impossible

4. that it would be possible to have wrinkles and also regularly hear that you look "about twelve"

top 5 tuesday: bad behaviors

Random stuff I want to do but shouldn't for various health and wealth and sanity reasons:

5. go to Fred Meyer with a debit and no plan
4. drink large quantities of coffee with flavored CoffeeMate and/or Splenda
3. watch stupid reality TV (such as the Biggest Loser) while I ought to be... well, that's another list
2. buy and read more stupid magazines (while indulging in Starbucks and/or Tully's?)
1. go to American Apparel, Urban Outfitters, and Nordstrom with a debit and lots of plans

top 5

top 5 ways to spend your birthday

5) with family
4) with friends
3) in a foreign country with family
2) in a foreign country with friends
1) with hot guys and lots of beer


that's all I am going to say on that

under-appreciated potential superpowers

selective deafness

For when the Cute One plays stupid music or when someone (like me) decides it's time to make like Mariah and belt. Also when our neighbor practices the drums, when the near-by grade school has recess, and when someone's about to spoil the ending of Monk.

guess the show

A cranky, deliberately unfriendly doctor solves ridiculously convoluted medical mysteries while his team of attractive and variously-emotionally-tormented assistants attempt to aide but end up awed by his abilities.

lessons I learned the hard way

11. it is difficult to celebrate someone's 19th birthday when she is in Bellingham

under-appreciated potential superpowers

the ability to look at a man and know how long the sex would last

how is this NOT useful?

signs of cultural implosion II

Dog sweaters, Carrot Top's career, cat fashion shows, articles defending how cool accountants are and how movies always stereotype them, the Swan pageant, that Lauren Conrad has a book deal, that anyone knows who Lauren Conrad is, the fact that Britney is "back", that Posh is the most famous former Spice Girl, the fact that a former Spice Girl is one of the most photographed people in the world, harem pants during Fashion Week, Lion King 1 1/2, all the sequels to Bring it On, that anyone would feel it necessary to remake Footloose, Rachael Ray's career beyond the Food Network, and that she markets things under the name "yum-o", the fact that Oprah gets more viewers than presidential debates, "edgy" asymmetrical bangs, Ann Coulter, everyone on My Super Sweet 16, that even women who look like Eva Longoria get photoshopped for magazine covers, the fact that people have a favorite Olsen (and that one of the Olsens was once nominated for an Emmy), bilingual education*, the fact that a neighborhood called "the meat-packing district" is a trendy place to go, the fact that some of the Disney Bridal dresses are actually pretty.

*kidding!

guess the show

I am going to give you a formula for a TV show
guess which one it is:


Every scene is an awkward interaction
It is set in a workplace
Only one male character is good looking
This phrase occurs "...put my stapler in Jell-O again"

GUESS!

jobs I would not want

Reader, YA division of major publishing house

Generally I think being a reader at a major publishing house would be an incredibly amazing job. You would get a say in what books get published! You'd read the latest and greatest things before they came out and know that you contributed to their publication and success. Your job, all day long, would be to sit and read. And give your opinion!

And who doesn't love having her opinion matter?

So why, you ask, would I want to avoid this particular division? Well, to be honest, it's not exclusively YA (young adult, for all you uncultured swine out there). I'd hate SciFi and probably romance, too. Though romance might be entertaining in its insipidness.

But YA is the genre that brings you such literary masterpieces as the Twilight series. Hundreds of desperate Harry Potter knock-offs. Spin offs of TV shows. Spin offs of TV shows that themselves are based on YA novels.

And that's the shit that's actually getting published.

I have no doubt that the department receives literally thousands of submissions a year written by angstful, maladjusted teenage girls about similarly unpopular (but beautiful!) heroines who in various uninteresting ways defeat the popular (and generic! and stupid!) girls to win the affections of the (horrifically bland!) star of the football team.

Your entire job would be to wade through unyielding piles of adolescent self-importance, either written by people who are basically adolescents themselves or people who are just particularly good at capturing an awkward phase. And after a while even the good YA books would start to make you long for your years of senior discounts, if only because it would symbolize getting further from that horrible time when you honestly believed that you were so. different. And no one could possibly understand you. And every poorly-written book you read (for you career) would serve to remind you that, no, you were just like all the other adolescents lacking the vocabulary to come out on the other side and write an insightful novel about it.

And the good stuff? Those books that you go back and reread to this day because they struck you in the right way at the right time in your life to always mean something? Those books would probably get assigned to your coworker who wisely added a "nothing with vampires" clause to her contract.

stupid jokes

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start, and so on.

random facts

Empirical evidence suggests that Bret Michaels has a thing for blondes.

things I thought were impossible

3) Enjoying driving on 405 (North or South, that thing is a shit hole)

random facts

When packing, my strategy is to choose an appropriate-sized bag and then fill it. This results in masterful efficiency and also sometimes not.

random facts

I have seen the movie IronMan 4 times in theatres and have never seen Gone With the Wind or sat through all of Titanic

top 5 tuesday: girly movies

5. Crossroads
4. Center Stage
3. Dirty Dancing
2. Princess Bride
1. Clueless

honorable mentions: The Little Mermaid, Save the Last Dance

lessons I learned the hard way

10) you do not have an infinite supply of money

stupid jokes

There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

random facts

I wanted to include "Amanda Bynes movies" in the list of "indications of impending cultural collapse," but when I texted this fact to The Cute One, she replied:

"shuttup, I like Amanda Bynes."

You'll notice it is not in the final version of the list.

lessons I learned the hard way

9. white pants and rain are a bad combo

stupid jokes

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my father. Not crying and screaming, like the other people in his car."

signs of cultural implosion

Tokio hotel winning a VMA, Bush, the fact that Arrested Development got cancelled, the success of the Twilight series, Crocs, jumpsuits,the resurgence of stirrup pants, the enduring tabloid scrutiny of Larry Birkhead, the Jonas Brothers, and the popularity of High School Music and all movies with similar formulas including Camp Rock, and American Mall, skunk highlights, skorts being worn by anyone over the age of ten off the tennis court, the Disney bridal collection, reality shows vicious hold on television,a chain called Fatburger that gets business, the term celebutante, the popularity of the name Neveah or Heaven with the last name Lee (Heaven Lee), Katy Perry's gimmicky success being treated like a real accomplishment, how expensive ice cream is, polar bears turning green, the notion that fashion could be ironic, Mad TV's existence, movies with Amanda Bynes, deoderants that bleach your clothes, the Scary/Date/Disaster Movie franchise, the show America's Got Talent, Miley Cyrus, that USA Today is the best-selling paper in the US by far, pre-ripped jeans that retail for hundreds of dollars, boys with pants more fitted than my own

jobs I would not want

Septic Tank anything

inspector, cleaner, maintenance person, aficionado, anything

I do not want to ever in my life be near a huge tank of poop, it doesn't matter whose it is or how it got there. I do not want to ever be near it. Ever. A reasonable request, no?

things I thought were impossible

2. that the US Weekly crossword would stymie me

lessons I learned the hard way

8) if it has a surgeon general's warning on it, it is probably bad for you

just a thought

top 5 tuesday

Reasons my sister should avoid water:

5) she is cursed by the river gods
4) my personal safety
3) she gets lost
2) she loses her guide (twice)
1) she loses her beer

poor, poor Brunhilda

things our grandmother believes to be true

1) that Brunhilda was an accident

imagine that, our grandmother who lives a thousand miles away knows more about our parent's reproductive plans than they do...

lessons I learned the hard way

7. beer makes you fat

things I thought were impossible

1) the Backstreet Boys getting back together

I didn't think it was possible but dear God, I hoped it could happen
and it did
and I am seeing them
tomorrow
Brunhilda is coming
JEALOUS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD BE

top 5 tuesday

my music and arts festival weekend top 5

5. seeing a badass friend, getting dragged through a crowd with him and smoking with him
4. taking unusual forms of transportation
3. filling my concert quota for the year
2. watching people smoke weed within twenty feet of the security personnel and not even worry about it
1. making new, hilariously trailer trash drinks

RECIPES:
a "Classy Lady"
-as much whiskey as you want
-a can of diet, caffeine-free Pepsi
"Polish Nyquil"
-as much whiskey as you want
-2 6oz cans of Tree Top apple juice
both are served in a used, venti cold drink cup from Starbucks, stirred with a straw and enjoyed in your bedroom while your parents sleep down the hall

and that was my weekend

top 5 tuesday: stuff about driving

facts about me and driving

5. my backseat can hold three car seats (and has done so)
4. sunroofs are the best part of cars
3. my Corolla hydroplanes easily
2. I prefer driving now that I have an iPod hookup on my stereo
1. I dislike driving in almost all cases

lessons I learned the hard way

6. sometimes, if you want your mom to fashion you a ghost costume for Halloween, and she's very concerned about suffocation, and she insists on making a separate head piece and also cutting out the face, and your school doesn't allow face paint during school hours, your "ghost" costume will more closely resemble a nun costume. And it will make you cry.