Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
(From the New York Times movie review of Seven Pounds, by A. O. Scott, 19 December 2008):
"Near the end of “Seven Pounds” a carefully laminated piece of paper appears, on which someone has written, “DO NOT TOUCH THE JELLYFISH.” I wouldn’t dream of it, and I’ll take the message as a warning not to divulge the astonishing things that happen, not all of them involving aquatic creatures.
Frankly, though, I don’t see how any review could really spoil what may be among the most transcendently, eye-poppingly, call-your-friend-ranting-in-the-middle-of-the-night-just-to-go-over-it-one-more-time crazily awful motion pictures ever made. I would tell you to go out and see it for yourself, but you might take that as a recommendation rather than a plea for corroboration. Did I really see what I thought I saw?"
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
If you've ever watched any made-for-MTV reality show, you're familiar with the absolute drudges of humanity. The really, horribly depressing thing, however, is to consider what kinds of horrible, attention-hungry, desperate, sad, and obnoxious people were deemed too unexciting to appear on these programs.
Your job would be to sift through video applications in which these horrible people highlight their worst qualities, and to filter out the horrible-yet-dull in favor of the awful-yet-good-for-ratings.
And then you'd be stuck with the results of your decisions for the rest of that series' run, and possibly for increasingly-desperate spin-offs.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
For when you need a couple of extra hours in the evening to grade a batch of papers and for when you'd like to speed up an interminable lecture. Equally beneficial! If you could treat time like a rubber band and stretch it or bunch it up as needed, you wouldn't have to bother with the real-life power of time management. Because that one is impossible.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
"There is a fine line between fiction and nonfiction, and I believe Jimmy Buffett and I snorted it in 1976. The two of us are among the few musicians in the Western world who make a regular habit of writing prose, which may also explain why this newspaper decided upon me to review this book rather than, say, Philip Roth. Maybe it was God who selected me to review Buffett's book."
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
"Your body ain't Pamela Anderson; it's a struggle just to get you in the caravan.
But listen, baby girl: before I let you lose a pound, I'll buy a bigger car."
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Just because if your job were scouting locations for the show Ice Road Truckers, you would be in an inhospitable, cold, miserable environment deciding if it were inhospitable, cold, and miserable enough to make for quality Discovery Channel programming. In Antarctica. On ice.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
5) I Will Possess Your Heart -Death Cab For Cutie (minus the 8-minute base jam)
4) Can You Feel the Love Tonight- Disney's Lion King
3) Your Song- Moulan Rouge
2) A Whole New World- Disney's Aladin
1) I Will Follow You Into The Dark -Death Cab for Cutie
I mostly seduced by DCforC and Disney...as you can tell
Monday, October 27, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
5. eat snacks in the copy room
4. contribute, welcome or not, to political conversations around the building
3. brew and drink tea
2. read and comment on Jezebel
1. convince my dad to buy me coffee
Monday, October 20, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
"I've been to political panels, criminal trials, locker rooms of playoff losers, graduate English classes and the Ron Paul convention, and I've never seen people take themselves quite this seriously."
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Because it would be the worse version of being a YA reader at a publishing house, but people would submit without all those pesky obstacles like having to put in any effort or thought. And it would be the Twilight series. Probably with plenty of slash.
Posted by "no one understands me!" thirteen year olds. Gah.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
5. pumpkin (extreme youth)
4. black cat (1995-1999)
3. Barbie (2000-2006)
2. German girl (2007)
1. firework (2008)
Not included on this list? Yeah, the ill-fated ghost debacle.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Now you know.
Friday, October 3, 2008
"Sure, there's more talent than taste on display, the first act lasts longer than dinosaurs did, and the musical hooks have a repetitiveness that would make a punk band blush."
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
5) skipped a class
4) partied on a school night
3) spoke to an RA drunk
2) walked in on my roommate boning her boyfriend
1) had the cops show up at my room
Monday, September 29, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
5. go to Fred Meyer with a debit and no plan
4. drink large quantities of coffee with flavored CoffeeMate and/or Splenda
3. watch stupid reality TV (such as the Biggest Loser) while I ought to be... well, that's another list
2. buy and read more stupid magazines (while indulging in Starbucks and/or Tully's?)
1. go to American Apparel, Urban Outfitters, and Nordstrom with a debit and lots of plans
For when the Cute One plays stupid music or when someone (like me) decides it's time to make like Mariah and belt. Also when our neighbor practices the drums, when the near-by grade school has recess, and when someone's about to spoil the ending of Monk.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
Generally I think being a reader at a major publishing house would be an incredibly amazing job. You would get a say in what books get published! You'd read the latest and greatest things before they came out and know that you contributed to their publication and success. Your job, all day long, would be to sit and read. And give your opinion!
And who doesn't love having her opinion matter?
So why, you ask, would I want to avoid this particular division? Well, to be honest, it's not exclusively YA (young adult, for all you uncultured swine out there). I'd hate SciFi and probably romance, too. Though romance might be entertaining in its insipidness.
But YA is the genre that brings you such literary masterpieces as the Twilight series. Hundreds of desperate Harry Potter knock-offs. Spin offs of TV shows. Spin offs of TV shows that themselves are based on YA novels.
And that's the shit that's actually getting published.
I have no doubt that the department receives literally thousands of submissions a year written by angstful, maladjusted teenage girls about similarly unpopular (but beautiful!) heroines who in various uninteresting ways defeat the popular (and generic! and stupid!) girls to win the affections of the (horrifically bland!) star of the football team.
Your entire job would be to wade through unyielding piles of adolescent self-importance, either written by people who are basically adolescents themselves or people who are just particularly good at capturing an awkward phase. And after a while even the good YA books would start to make you long for your years of senior discounts, if only because it would symbolize getting further from that horrible time when you honestly believed that you were so. different. And no one could possibly understand you. And every poorly-written book you read (for you career) would serve to remind you that, no, you were just like all the other adolescents lacking the vocabulary to come out on the other side and write an insightful novel about it.
And the good stuff? Those books that you go back and reread to this day because they struck you in the right way at the right time in your life to always mean something? Those books would probably get assigned to your coworker who wisely added a "nothing with vampires" clause to her contract.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
"shuttup, I like Amanda Bynes."
You'll notice it is not in the final version of the list.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
inspector, cleaner, maintenance person, aficionado, anything
I do not want to ever in my life be near a huge tank of poop, it doesn't matter whose it is or how it got there. I do not want to ever be near it. Ever. A reasonable request, no?
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
I didn't think it was possible but dear God, I hoped it could happen
and it did
and I am seeing them
Brunhilda is coming
JEALOUS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD BE
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
5. seeing a badass friend, getting dragged through a crowd with him and smoking with him
4. taking unusual forms of transportation
3. filling my concert quota for the year
2. watching people smoke weed within twenty feet of the security personnel and not even worry about it
1. making new, hilariously trailer trash drinks
a "Classy Lady"
-as much whiskey as you want
-a can of diet, caffeine-free Pepsi
-as much whiskey as you want
-2 6oz cans of Tree Top apple juice
both are served in a used, venti cold drink cup from Starbucks, stirred with a straw and enjoyed in your bedroom while your parents sleep down the hall
and that was my weekend
5. my backseat can hold three car seats (and has done so)
4. sunroofs are the best part of cars
3. my Corolla hydroplanes easily
2. I prefer driving now that I have an iPod hookup on my stereo
1. I dislike driving in almost all cases
Monday, September 1, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
5. (shouted while I was strolling through the mall) "You got a fat ass"
4. (at a friend's party) "I enjoy examining your breasts"
3. (lying in the grass in the dark) "Cute One, where are my pants?"
2. (while walking through the Shakespeare festival) "Fat chicks give good head"
1. (in a club in Croatia) "Will you suck this guy's dick?'
Do you notice a pattern?
Friday, August 15, 2008
Being a sanitary technician is probably not anyone's absolute top choice for a career, but the horror that is this job would be exponentially increased if your placement were in a college dormitory. Because you'd be in charge of cleaning up drunk kids' puke. Probably among other gross things.
And that's probably as far as we need to go with our imaginations down that path. Yikes.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
4. it's Sunday and you're lazy
3. it's Sunday and there's an SVU marathon on USA
2. after catching up on Facebook and Jez, you got tired of the computer
1. you spent the weekend doing actual fun stuff in LaConner, Washington
So I'm sorry! That's my point. We're bad bloggers, but we're working on it.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
my list is going to be trashier than Brunny's, just a warning
5) Beauty and the Geek
season 3 was killer, putting the geeky guys with a smart and still cute girl created the most adorable awkward tensions!
4) The Real World (including Real World/Road Rules challenges)
3) Rock of Love/I love New York
I KNOW! How awful, I know but seriously what is better than Bret Michaels (balding) and going after hot, trashy, crazy women and one totally insane woman with fake gazongas going after 'gangstas' with her mom at her side screaming the whole time?
which we just bought the 1st season of and it has consumed me, fully, since then
I love turk. This show and a certain bel biv de voe song taught me to never trust a big butt and a smile
Monday, August 4, 2008
Friday, August 1, 2008
Initially, the unexperienced reader might think that either of these venues would provide plenty of opportunities for active fun and a snazzy work wardrobe, but to conclude that these jobs are all upside would be wrong, to put it mildly.
The primary task an employee would perform in these instances is: picking up balls. Over and over. All day.
Once recently I played tennis with a tennis coach friend of mine, so I spent about two hours flailing around with a racket, missing, and subsequently picking up a shit ton of tennis balls. And let me tell you that after a while, the last thing in the world your mind and body want to do is bend over for that stupid yellow ball. And the next day, your hamstrings don't want to do anything at all, in protest.
And that would be your life. For which you'd probably be compensated poorly.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
It isn't a fear of snakes, oh no, not that. It is a simple want to not have my hands chewed on by toothy, wriggly beasts. Even sans venom snake bites are bad and could tear up your hands and arms pretty badly. I appreciate sweet battle scars as much as the next girl but I do not want large parts of me missing.
Also: you have to hang out in the desert all the damn time and I like the sun but not the desert all year ( I like seasons ).
Plus, maybe I am a little scared of snakes