signs of cultural implosion IX

People not knowing about how amazing Ratatat is, the posters and protesters carrying signs of President Obama with a Hitler mustache, trendy hipster names for children (evidently Hazel is one), that hipster is no longer counter culture or in any way hip, this tee shirt, math, boys wearing tight pants but also sagging them, people not enjoying scones of any sort or jam of any sort, Fox News, how similar Disney radio and the Top 40 station are these days, the percentage of people who came to Bumbershoot just to hear the Black Eyed Peas, photo collages not sticking to the goddamn wall even though you put a bunch of adhesives on the back and stuck it up where it should have stayed, bikini baristas, Jay Leno at 10 PM every night, beer with lime and salt already added, light beer with lime and salt already added, the euphemism "irregular" for digestive issues in yogurt commercials, "smizing."

signs of cultural implosion VIII

The comment "that's a pretty good movie!" w/r/t Amanda Bynes' "She's the Man", the popularity of the song Boom Boom Pow, tourism commercials for the "city" of Enumclaw, the careers of any and all Baldwins not Alec, a second season of "Real Chance at Love," casinos being marketed as opportunities for financial and relationship success, WWE, an outlet mall without a J. Crew, people not enjoying Guess Who, the lack of belugas at our local zoo, encountering shitty croissants, that 30 Rock is not the most popular show on television, how gross Runts candy are, people not enjoying Arrested Development, the apparent lack of good burritos in parts of the US, the attitudes espoused by the kids on NYC Prep, Hot Topic, magical realism, people not wanting to go to a baseball game where cheap seats are only 8 dollars, the lack of James Roday in my life, nose and boob jobs given as high school graduation gifts, Casey Novak, that the Cute One and I know more about the characters on SVU than about most of our friends and family members.

signs of cultural implosion VII

Hitler Halloween costumes, the term "blipster," the number of countries I have never heard of, that people on a college campus have no idea who James Joyce is, people who lay out in bikinis and tan...in Washington...when it is barely 70 degrees, milkshake flavors that aren't delicious, that kids today don't listen to Phil Collins, the "radio war" between KJR and JackFM, that someone would not jump at the chance to study abroad, that someone who was a young child in the early to mid 90's did not watch or enjoy the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, leashkids, that you can't get tots at Taco Bell anymore, visible tattoos in the workplace, the "trend" of hugging people you don't actually know yet, that I read fmylife.com more than I read the newspaper, that a movie called Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus exists, that the Hills will continue post-LC, the new Strawberry Shortcake, that I don't get to take Latin in the fall because people are assholes and take up all the spots in that class, that makeup companies can charge scores of dollars for "anti-ageing" products that are secretly just sunscreen, that someone could graduate from college cum laude (that's "with honors," folks) and not know Benjamin Franklin was never president.

signs of cultural implosion VI

That people actually road trip to Forks, that there isn't a Burgerville near Seattle, that Cat Cora continues to be an Iron Chef, Katy Parry's career, that an Irish-ish bar was not packed on St. Paddy's Day, Ann Coulter, the fact that George Takei is in a movie called "Ninja Cheerleaders" which takes place at Strip Palace, that pants that are uncomfortably tight are a "trend," shirtordresses, sweaterdresses, Starbucks instant coffee, that some DQs don't serve chicken strips and gravy, that anyone goes to DQ not intending to purchase a Blizzard, that DQ couldn't sell Blizzards made with frozen yogurt in a country with an obesity rate like ours, the fact that there aren't any non-organic bananas at QFC, that flirting with a waiter and having a lot of cleavage sometimes doesn't get you free drinks (Brunhilda's note: stfu), the new Facebook layout, that we need a website called tightsarenotpants.com because some people evidently don't know that yet, the fact that "Merlin and the War of the Dragons" is a movie, the fact that KMPS is the number-one radio station in Seattle, the fact that I--Brunhilda--am ahead of the curve pop-music wise, that whole shows exist about hairstyling.

signs of cultural implosion V

6-year-olds who carry purses, 185 dollars for a sweater vest at Macy's, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, that a real housewife of Atlanta bought her 11-year-old daughter two $13,000 purses, that purses could possibly sell for $13,000, that an 11 year old would know what the hell Louis Vuitton is, over Parent's Weekend at my school more boyfriends visited than parents, LOST season 5 hasn't started yet, that some people don't know whether Beliz is in South America, Asia, Africa or Europe, that the Onion world atlas is the only one we own, the fact that owning said atlas makes us the cultural elite, Madonna's face, that anyone drinks Mountain Dew for the flavor

signs of cultural implosion IV

That a VP impersonator would make a better VP than the candidate herself, that someone like Sarah Palin can identify as a feminist, tofurkey, that people are STILL super into dressing as Jack Sparrow for Halloween, people who dress up like animals for pleasure, this phrase "I'm in Econ 482, Intro to Wu Tang Economy," that High School Musical 3 opened in theaters, that High School Musical 3 is popular enough to be released in theaters (spooky--we are psychic), Zack Effron having a following even though he is a) orange and b) wears more makeup more often that I do, that Beverly Hills Chihuahua was the number one movie in America, Britney's misuse of the word "womanizer", that people dare to eat ham on thanksgiving, christmas decorations out before halloween, Kath and Kim, purity pledges, children's-sized thong underwear.

signs of cultural implosion III

That kids today think Avril is punk, that a 22 year old could use the phrase "kids today" in all earnestness, how GD earnest everyone is, AIM-speak in daily life, the fact that the Miss America pageant can't get airtime despite the popularity of Miss Congeniality, pageant moms, the evolution of the Real World (or devolution, rather), Jessica Alba's ability to still make movies after Honey, Kat Von D's fame, people who refer to themselves in the third person, bacon-wrapped hamburgers, the fact that commercials are sometimes more entertaining that the shows they sponsor (see: Superbowl, the), Ore-Ida Steam and Mash, the constant misuse of the word "belligerent" in the reference to drunk people, "I Love Money", all fame and notoriety garnered by appearing on "Flavor of Love" "Rock of Love" or "I Love New York", The Rock's successful acting career, couples who meet via MySpace, Fox News, spinoffs of LOLcats, any Snoop album that doesn't top the charts, Rachel Zoe, IHOP serving anything but pancakes, that you can learn about drugs from your cable company, a televised competition about dog groomers, that two years of gubernatorial experience qualifies a person to be vice president, the ~80% of Americans who don't have passports, Perez Hilton, Perez Hilton breaking actual news, the "Leave Britney Alone" guy,

signs of cultural implosion II

Dog sweaters, Carrot Top's career, cat fashion shows, articles defending how cool accountants are and how movies always stereotype them, the Swan pageant, that Lauren Conrad has a book deal, that anyone knows who Lauren Conrad is, the fact that Britney is "back", that Posh is the most famous former Spice Girl, the fact that a former Spice Girl is one of the most photographed people in the world, harem pants during Fashion Week, Lion King 1 1/2, all the sequels to Bring it On, that anyone would feel it necessary to remake Footloose, Rachael Ray's career beyond the Food Network, and that she markets things under the name "yum-o", the fact that Oprah gets more viewers than presidential debates, "edgy" asymmetrical bangs, Ann Coulter, everyone on My Super Sweet 16, that even women who look like Eva Longoria get photoshopped for magazine covers, the fact that people have a favorite Olsen (and that one of the Olsens was once nominated for an Emmy), bilingual education*, the fact that a neighborhood called "the meat-packing district" is a trendy place to go, the fact that some of the Disney Bridal dresses are actually pretty.

*kidding!

random facts

I wanted to include "Amanda Bynes movies" in the list of "indications of impending cultural collapse," but when I texted this fact to The Cute One, she replied:

"shuttup, I like Amanda Bynes."

You'll notice it is not in the final version of the list.

signs of cultural implosion

Tokio hotel winning a VMA, Bush, the fact that Arrested Development got cancelled, the success of the Twilight series, Crocs, jumpsuits,the resurgence of stirrup pants, the enduring tabloid scrutiny of Larry Birkhead, the Jonas Brothers, and the popularity of High School Music and all movies with similar formulas including Camp Rock, and American Mall, skunk highlights, skorts being worn by anyone over the age of ten off the tennis court, the Disney bridal collection, reality shows vicious hold on television,a chain called Fatburger that gets business, the term celebutante, the popularity of the name Neveah or Heaven with the last name Lee (Heaven Lee), Katy Perry's gimmicky success being treated like a real accomplishment, how expensive ice cream is, polar bears turning green, the notion that fashion could be ironic, Mad TV's existence, movies with Amanda Bynes, deoderants that bleach your clothes, the Scary/Date/Disaster Movie franchise, the show America's Got Talent, Miley Cyrus, that USA Today is the best-selling paper in the US by far, pre-ripped jeans that retail for hundreds of dollars, boys with pants more fitted than my own