things our grandmother believes

10. That no matter how many other grandmothers you have (and no matter how many of them already go by "Grandma"), and no matter how not-technically-blood-related she is to you, and no matter how old you are, it is deeply, personally insulting to her if you call her by her first name.

things our grandmother believes

That even though she's allergic to cheese (a dubious claim in the first place), mozzarella, in pizza form, is probably completely okay.

things our grandmother believes

That the sordid details of our grandfather's affair with her, which led to the dissolution of his marriage to our other grandmother, is really just a romantic story everyone wants to hear. And is totally cool with!

things our grandmother believes

That 55 is a reasonable speed to drive on any kind of a road, highway, alley, or interstate.

things our grandmother believes

That each person in this family has one interest that serves as an acceptable impetus for gift-giving.

Brunhilda: scarves
the Cute One: orange cats
our father: the Simpsons
our mother: Reese's peanutbutter cups

You can see who's making out best every Christmas.

things our grandmother believes

That your basic, fundamental character is essentially unchanged since you were six years old.

things our grandmother believes

4. That "I mean, I worry about how I look as much as the next person" is a roughly equivalent statement to "I am crippled by low self-esteem."

things our grandmother believes

3) It's totally okay to have professional portraits done of yourself and your chihuahua and send them out with Christmas cards.

things our grandmother believes

2) that is totally okay to take someone out shopping for their own Christmas gifts at 11 PM the night before Christmas eve

and then make gingerbread cookies at 2

Merry Christmas?

things our grandmother believes to be true

1) that Brunhilda was an accident

imagine that, our grandmother who lives a thousand miles away knows more about our parent's reproductive plans than they do...