laudable lyrics

"I wanna make love right now now now, I wish we never broke up right now now now."

Classy sentiment Akon, classy indeed.

things our grandmother believes

3) It's totally okay to have professional portraits done of yourself and your chihuahua and send them out with Christmas cards.

things I thought were impossible

9. uttering the phrase "I didn't hate it" in reference to the Twilight movie

random facts

It's Christmas!

lessons I learned the hard way

35. Nothing is open on Christmas day, even when you really, really need bacon.

lessons I learned the hard way

34. It is difficult to get your Christmas shopping done in an apocalyptic blizzard.

favorite things

"An etymological dictionary, an espresso machine, and colorful briefs."

cultural commentary

(From the New York Times movie review of Seven Pounds, by A. O. Scott, 19 December 2008):

"Near the end of “Seven Pounds” a carefully laminated piece of paper appears, on which someone has written, “DO NOT TOUCH THE JELLYFISH.” I wouldn’t dream of it, and I’ll take the message as a warning not to divulge the astonishing things that happen, not all of them involving aquatic creatures.

Frankly, though, I don’t see how any review could really spoil what may be among the most transcendently, eye-poppingly, call-your-friend-ranting-in-the-middle-of-the-night-just-to-go-over-it-one-more-time crazily awful motion pictures ever made. I would tell you to go out and see it for yourself, but you might take that as a recommendation rather than a plea for corroboration. Did I really see what I thought I saw?"

random fact

Hills closed to auto traffic make excellent sledding routes.

random facts

Living on top of a hill means that in ice, you get to declare it a snow day way before everyone else does!

jobs I would not want

screener for MTV reality show applicants

If you've ever watched any made-for-MTV reality show, you're familiar with the absolute drudges of humanity. The really, horribly depressing thing, however, is to consider what kinds of horrible, attention-hungry, desperate, sad, and obnoxious people were deemed too unexciting to appear on these programs.

Your job would be to sift through video applications in which these horrible people highlight their worst qualities, and to filter out the horrible-yet-dull in favor of the awful-yet-good-for-ratings.

And then you'd be stuck with the results of your decisions for the rest of that series' run, and possibly for increasingly-desperate spin-offs.

things I care about more than what you're saying II

Various methods of braising beef, cufflinks, the water cycle, advances in pet grooming technology, how long it takes you to solve a rubik's cube, styles of leggings, your family tree, Canada, what reality TV stars do when they're not faking stuff for the camera, what you did for Cinco de Mayo last year, which celebrities your boyfriend would go gay for, 6 Degrees of Anyone, how Gawker commenters feel about Jezebel, your cleavage, calf implants, Zwinky, snowman building techniques, what brand of "feminine hygiene products" you use, the exact process of draining surgical wounds, novelty toilet paper holders, commercials Jessica Simpson has deigned to appear in, cabbage, the Potato Famine during any term that doesn't have me enrolled in an Irish history class, the calorie count of anything I eat, the many spellings of your child's name and how it annoys you when people use the wrong one, opinions that disagree with mine, the sex lives of strangers.

lessons I learned the hard way

33. Acting like you're unemployed is only a good idea when you already are.

lessons I learned the hard way

32. Layered shots, particularly those that involve Bailey's, are always a bad idea.

laudable lyrics

"Excuse me while I kiss this guy"

favorite things

Full House on DVD, Panera, bottomless coffee, '90s sweaters

top 5 tuesday

wasted potential

5. Charlize Theron in a tent dress
4. Starbucks in Salt Lake City
3. the Oklahoma City Thunder
2. Justin Timberlake getting married
1. hot Mormons

lessons I learned the hard way

31. blogs don't update themselves

lessons I learned the hard way

30. No one else wants to listen to ten minutes straight of "Last Christmas," even if it's two different versions of the song.

laudable lyrics

"It's not easy being green."

guess the show

An infinitely quotable dysfunctional family is held together by a thread in the form of a reluctant middle brother, who's trapped by his ambitions to someday run the family business, which meanwhile is being investigated for light treason, and must keep together his untalented and occasionally offensive older brother, deluded and vain twin sister, sexually ambiguous never-nude brother in law (the world's first analrapist), infantile younger brother, and snotty unaware mother while his father flourishes in prison by selling successful religious videos.

rhetorical questions

Where have all the cowboys gone?

lessons I learned the hard way

29. There is no grading fairy.

learn something new today

Coriander and cilantro are the same thing.

top 5 tuesday

things I miss about summer

5. natural highlights
4. sunbathing
3. yellow shorts
2. sundresses
1. swimmys

under-appreciated potential superpowers

the ability to tell what day of the week any date in history was

if you ever had to testify in court it'd be really, really convenient