things I care about more than what you're saying II

Various methods of braising beef, cufflinks, the water cycle, advances in pet grooming technology, how long it takes you to solve a rubik's cube, styles of leggings, your family tree, Canada, what reality TV stars do when they're not faking stuff for the camera, what you did for Cinco de Mayo last year, which celebrities your boyfriend would go gay for, 6 Degrees of Anyone, how Gawker commenters feel about Jezebel, your cleavage, calf implants, Zwinky, snowman building techniques, what brand of "feminine hygiene products" you use, the exact process of draining surgical wounds, novelty toilet paper holders, commercials Jessica Simpson has deigned to appear in, cabbage, the Potato Famine during any term that doesn't have me enrolled in an Irish history class, the calorie count of anything I eat, the many spellings of your child's name and how it annoys you when people use the wrong one, opinions that disagree with mine, the sex lives of strangers.

lessons I learned the hard way

33. Acting like you're unemployed is only a good idea when you already are.

lessons I learned the hard way

32. Layered shots, particularly those that involve Bailey's, are always a bad idea.

laudable lyrics

"Excuse me while I kiss this guy"

favorite things

Full House on DVD, Panera, bottomless coffee, '90s sweaters

top 5 tuesday

wasted potential

5. Charlize Theron in a tent dress
4. Starbucks in Salt Lake City
3. the Oklahoma City Thunder
2. Justin Timberlake getting married
1. hot Mormons

lessons I learned the hard way

31. blogs don't update themselves

lessons I learned the hard way

30. No one else wants to listen to ten minutes straight of "Last Christmas," even if it's two different versions of the song.

laudable lyrics

"It's not easy being green."

guess the show

An infinitely quotable dysfunctional family is held together by a thread in the form of a reluctant middle brother, who's trapped by his ambitions to someday run the family business, which meanwhile is being investigated for light treason, and must keep together his untalented and occasionally offensive older brother, deluded and vain twin sister, sexually ambiguous never-nude brother in law (the world's first analrapist), infantile younger brother, and snotty unaware mother while his father flourishes in prison by selling successful religious videos.

rhetorical questions

Where have all the cowboys gone?

lessons I learned the hard way

29. There is no grading fairy.

learn something new today

Coriander and cilantro are the same thing.

top 5 tuesday

things I miss about summer

5. natural highlights
4. sunbathing
3. yellow shorts
2. sundresses
1. swimmys

under-appreciated potential superpowers

the ability to tell what day of the week any date in history was

if you ever had to testify in court it'd be really, really convenient