laudable lyrics

"I wanna make love right now now now, I wish we never broke up right now now now."

Classy sentiment Akon, classy indeed.

things our grandmother believes

3) It's totally okay to have professional portraits done of yourself and your chihuahua and send them out with Christmas cards.

things I thought were impossible

9. uttering the phrase "I didn't hate it" in reference to the Twilight movie

random facts

It's Christmas!

lessons I learned the hard way

35. Nothing is open on Christmas day, even when you really, really need bacon.

lessons I learned the hard way

34. It is difficult to get your Christmas shopping done in an apocalyptic blizzard.

favorite things

"An etymological dictionary, an espresso machine, and colorful briefs."

cultural commentary

(From the New York Times movie review of Seven Pounds, by A. O. Scott, 19 December 2008):

"Near the end of “Seven Pounds” a carefully laminated piece of paper appears, on which someone has written, “DO NOT TOUCH THE JELLYFISH.” I wouldn’t dream of it, and I’ll take the message as a warning not to divulge the astonishing things that happen, not all of them involving aquatic creatures.

Frankly, though, I don’t see how any review could really spoil what may be among the most transcendently, eye-poppingly, call-your-friend-ranting-in-the-middle-of-the-night-just-to-go-over-it-one-more-time crazily awful motion pictures ever made. I would tell you to go out and see it for yourself, but you might take that as a recommendation rather than a plea for corroboration. Did I really see what I thought I saw?"

random fact

Hills closed to auto traffic make excellent sledding routes.

random facts

Living on top of a hill means that in ice, you get to declare it a snow day way before everyone else does!

jobs I would not want

screener for MTV reality show applicants

If you've ever watched any made-for-MTV reality show, you're familiar with the absolute drudges of humanity. The really, horribly depressing thing, however, is to consider what kinds of horrible, attention-hungry, desperate, sad, and obnoxious people were deemed too unexciting to appear on these programs.

Your job would be to sift through video applications in which these horrible people highlight their worst qualities, and to filter out the horrible-yet-dull in favor of the awful-yet-good-for-ratings.

And then you'd be stuck with the results of your decisions for the rest of that series' run, and possibly for increasingly-desperate spin-offs.

things I care about more than what you're saying II

Various methods of braising beef, cufflinks, the water cycle, advances in pet grooming technology, how long it takes you to solve a rubik's cube, styles of leggings, your family tree, Canada, what reality TV stars do when they're not faking stuff for the camera, what you did for Cinco de Mayo last year, which celebrities your boyfriend would go gay for, 6 Degrees of Anyone, how Gawker commenters feel about Jezebel, your cleavage, calf implants, Zwinky, snowman building techniques, what brand of "feminine hygiene products" you use, the exact process of draining surgical wounds, novelty toilet paper holders, commercials Jessica Simpson has deigned to appear in, cabbage, the Potato Famine during any term that doesn't have me enrolled in an Irish history class, the calorie count of anything I eat, the many spellings of your child's name and how it annoys you when people use the wrong one, opinions that disagree with mine, the sex lives of strangers.

lessons I learned the hard way

33. Acting like you're unemployed is only a good idea when you already are.

lessons I learned the hard way

32. Layered shots, particularly those that involve Bailey's, are always a bad idea.

laudable lyrics

"Excuse me while I kiss this guy"

favorite things

Full House on DVD, Panera, bottomless coffee, '90s sweaters

top 5 tuesday

wasted potential

5. Charlize Theron in a tent dress
4. Starbucks in Salt Lake City
3. the Oklahoma City Thunder
2. Justin Timberlake getting married
1. hot Mormons

lessons I learned the hard way

31. blogs don't update themselves

lessons I learned the hard way

30. No one else wants to listen to ten minutes straight of "Last Christmas," even if it's two different versions of the song.

laudable lyrics

"It's not easy being green."

guess the show

An infinitely quotable dysfunctional family is held together by a thread in the form of a reluctant middle brother, who's trapped by his ambitions to someday run the family business, which meanwhile is being investigated for light treason, and must keep together his untalented and occasionally offensive older brother, deluded and vain twin sister, sexually ambiguous never-nude brother in law (the world's first analrapist), infantile younger brother, and snotty unaware mother while his father flourishes in prison by selling successful religious videos.

rhetorical questions

Where have all the cowboys gone?

lessons I learned the hard way

29. There is no grading fairy.

learn something new today

Coriander and cilantro are the same thing.

top 5 tuesday

things I miss about summer

5. natural highlights
4. sunbathing
3. yellow shorts
2. sundresses
1. swimmys

under-appreciated potential superpowers

the ability to tell what day of the week any date in history was

if you ever had to testify in court it'd be really, really convenient

laudable lyrics

"Never trust a big butt and a smile."

lessons I learned the hard way

28. There is no possible way to say no to seconds of stuffing, no matter how full you are.

random facts

Brunhilda isn't allowed to cook because she is busy eating clam dip

top 5 tuesday

reasons Thanksgiving is awesome

5. family, giving Thanks, etc.
4. turkey
3. gravy
2. stuffing
1. mashed potatoes

random facts

I am not allowed to help cook during Thanksgiving dinner.

signs of cultural implosion V

6-year-olds who carry purses, 185 dollars for a sweater vest at Macy's, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, that a real housewife of Atlanta bought her 11-year-old daughter two $13,000 purses, that purses could possibly sell for $13,000, that an 11 year old would know what the hell Louis Vuitton is, over Parent's Weekend at my school more boyfriends visited than parents, LOST season 5 hasn't started yet, that some people don't know whether Beliz is in South America, Asia, Africa or Europe, that the Onion world atlas is the only one we own, the fact that owning said atlas makes us the cultural elite, Madonna's face, that anyone drinks Mountain Dew for the flavor

things I thought were impossible

8. That I could wear a white sweater out and not spill a single thing on it.

favorite things

I am posting some favorite things too
for fun

Mini pumpkins, warm blankets, Polaroids, colors

hell yeah

favorite things

(Another new feature, in which we make like Oprah [Borpo?] and feature things we love.)

Calypso, paisley, Chinese checkers, sweater capes.

under-appreciated potential superpowers

time flexing

For when you need a couple of extra hours in the evening to grade a batch of papers and for when you'd like to speed up an interminable lecture. Equally beneficial! If you could treat time like a rubber band and stretch it or bunch it up as needed, you wouldn't have to bother with the real-life power of time management. Because that one is impossible.

cultural commentary

(From the New York Times review of Jimmy Buffett's A Salty Piece of Land, by Kinky Freedman, 28 November 2004)

"There is a fine line between fiction and nonfiction, and I believe Jimmy Buffett and I snorted it in 1976. The two of us are among the few musicians in the Western world who make a regular habit of writing prose, which may also explain why this newspaper decided upon me to review this book rather than, say, Philip Roth. Maybe it was God who selected me to review Buffett's book."

laudable lyrics

(A new BandtheCO feature in which we feature, what else, laudable lyrics.)

"Your body ain't Pamela Anderson; it's a struggle just to get you in the caravan.
But listen, baby girl: before I let you lose a pound, I'll buy a bigger car."

jobs I would not want

location scout: Ice Road Truckers

Just because if your job were scouting locations for the show Ice Road Truckers, you would be in an inhospitable, cold, miserable environment deciding if it were inhospitable, cold, and miserable enough to make for quality Discovery Channel programming. In Antarctica. On ice.

top 5 tuesday

Things to do instead of homework

5. Spend time with the cute boys downstairs
4. Eat a bagel
3. desperately attempt to reach 50,000 words for National Novel Writing Month
2. Facebook
1. Sleep


yeah...this is what I did today

lessons I learned the hard way

27. Coffee shops are only good places to NaNo until you discover that they have free WiFi. And you discover this.

random fact(s)

Related random facts:

Chickens like to be let out at dawn.

Since daylight savings, dawn has been earlier than you'd think.

random facts

I really don't

lessons I learned the hard way

23. The Cute One does not know how to count.

random facts

I completely missed the season of Top Chef that happened in Chicago. Literally did not realize it had happened.

rhetorical questions

Who, me?

rhetorical questions

Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?

lessons I learned the hard way

26. 90 minutes of yoga + 105 degree room = horrible, horrible situation

Maybe that should have been self evident.

random facts

Boys are confusing and I don't appreciate it at all

top 5 tuesday

stuff to do on Veteran's Day:

5. visit the mall (or "mall" in our case)
4. browse at Borders
3. sleep in
2. stroll along the waterfront
1. sip a coffee with my Dad

lessons I learned the hard way

25. Pizza, Taco Time, soda, and brownies all in one day do not a happy tummy make, particularly when you normally subsist on coffee products.

rhetorical questions

What did your face look like before you were born?

lessons I learned the hard way

24) Trash needs to be taken out before it becomes sentient

guess the show

Stranded people on desert island dealing with ridiculously soapy relationships, the haunting effects of their lives before the accident, magnetic fields, polar bears!, holes in the ground, random numbers--that aren't so random?!--, crankiness, dirt in large supply, lots of (evidently unprotected) sex, all the people you like dying, a weird science experiment, and disgruntled fans who don't like the direction in which it's all headed.

jobs I would not want

Fox News Anchor

...about three hours ago.

top 5 tuesday

winners of the category: Silver Fox

5. Burt Reynolds
4. Tim Gunn
3. George Clooney
2. Anderson Cooper
1. Joe Biden

things I thought were impossible

7) That I would be on track for National Novel Writing Month...

under-appreciated potential superpowers

The ability to conjugate verbs in foreign languages

think of how much money you could make tutoring...
awesome

signs of cultural implosion IV

That a VP impersonator would make a better VP than the candidate herself, that someone like Sarah Palin can identify as a feminist, tofurkey, that people are STILL super into dressing as Jack Sparrow for Halloween, people who dress up like animals for pleasure, this phrase "I'm in Econ 482, Intro to Wu Tang Economy," that High School Musical 3 opened in theaters, that High School Musical 3 is popular enough to be released in theaters (spooky--we are psychic), Zack Effron having a following even though he is a) orange and b) wears more makeup more often that I do, that Beverly Hills Chihuahua was the number one movie in America, Britney's misuse of the word "womanizer", that people dare to eat ham on thanksgiving, christmas decorations out before halloween, Kath and Kim, purity pledges, children's-sized thong underwear.

things I thought were impossible

6. that dogs in Halloween costumes could actually be kind of adorable.

lessons I learned the hard way

22. when you can't afford both lattes and food, the more practical choice is actually the food.

things our grandmother believes

2) that is totally okay to take someone out shopping for their own Christmas gifts at 11 PM the night before Christmas eve

and then make gingerbread cookies at 2

Merry Christmas?

rhetorical questions

Your moment of zen:

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

learn something new today

The negation of the antecedent allows you to infer the validity of the consequent

lessons I learned the hard way

21. Being a good liar would really come in handy at least weekly.

random facts

If a guy ever tried to sing to me in order to get in my pants, I would look at him like this.

top 5 tuesday

Top 5 Songs That Would Make My Underpants Melt Off If A Boy Sang Them To Me:

5) I Will Possess Your Heart -Death Cab For Cutie (minus the 8-minute base jam)
4) Can You Feel the Love Tonight- Disney's Lion King
3) Your Song- Moulan Rouge
2) A Whole New World- Disney's Aladin
1) I Will Follow You Into The Dark -Death Cab for Cutie


I mostly seduced by DCforC and Disney...as you can tell

signs of cultural implosion III

That kids today think Avril is punk, that a 22 year old could use the phrase "kids today" in all earnestness, how GD earnest everyone is, AIM-speak in daily life, the fact that the Miss America pageant can't get airtime despite the popularity of Miss Congeniality, pageant moms, the evolution of the Real World (or devolution, rather), Jessica Alba's ability to still make movies after Honey, Kat Von D's fame, people who refer to themselves in the third person, bacon-wrapped hamburgers, the fact that commercials are sometimes more entertaining that the shows they sponsor (see: Superbowl, the), Ore-Ida Steam and Mash, the constant misuse of the word "belligerent" in the reference to drunk people, "I Love Money", all fame and notoriety garnered by appearing on "Flavor of Love" "Rock of Love" or "I Love New York", The Rock's successful acting career, couples who meet via MySpace, Fox News, spinoffs of LOLcats, any Snoop album that doesn't top the charts, Rachel Zoe, IHOP serving anything but pancakes, that you can learn about drugs from your cable company, a televised competition about dog groomers, that two years of gubernatorial experience qualifies a person to be vice president, the ~80% of Americans who don't have passports, Perez Hilton, Perez Hilton breaking actual news, the "Leave Britney Alone" guy,

lessons I learned the hard way

20. Sleep is actually necessary for full human functionality.

stupid jokes

How do you get a philosopher off your porch?

Pay for the pizza.

lessons I learned the hard way

19) Not attending class makes it quite difficult to pass midterms.

top 5 tuesday: stuff I do at the office

Stuff I do at work instead of work:

5. eat snacks in the copy room
4. contribute, welcome or not, to political conversations around the building
3. brew and drink tea
2. read and comment on Jezebel
1. convince my dad to buy me coffee

random facts

For Halloween, I have dressed as a pumpkin, a black cat, and a Barbie. And just those things.

random facts

I would look fucking fantastic in ecru

learn something new today

Bridesmaids used to wear the same dress as the bride so that evil spirits and jealous ex-lovers wouldn't know who to kidnap.

I'm thinking of putting the Cute One in ecru.

stupid jokes

What's the difference between a philosopher and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family.

cultural commentary

(from Time magazine's "Pop Chart" 9/29/08, high on the "predictable" side of the scale):

"OMG! MTV's TRL RIP"

lessons I learned the hard way

18. if you are easily riled up by educational issues in presidential debates, you should not view the debate with someone you'd rather not hear you swear.

lessons I learned the hard way

17) it is really difficult to keep a blog going when one works and the other is a lazy college student

lessons I learned the hard way

16) Smoking for 6 hours makes your lungs hurt really, really bad

things I thought were impossible

5. that a person could graduate from college, begin work on a Master's Degree, and still say, in all seriousness, with regards to an essay assignment: "it's only five pages but it's really hard because it has to have a thesis."

stupid jokes

"I'm a homo sapien, but I'm hoping that if Sarah Palin prays for me enough, I'll become a hetero sapien."

learn something new today

on the label of Safeway-brand popsicles:

"quiescently frozen confection"

cultural commentary

(from Joel Stein's Time column 9/29/08, re New York fashion week):

"I've been to political panels, criminal trials, locker rooms of playoff losers, graduate English classes and the Ron Paul convention, and I've never seen people take themselves quite this seriously."

guess the show

Someone, usually a woman or child, dies or goes missing. Then two dectives and their back-up (an angry Jew and the original "Cop Killa" (irony!)) go about trying to solve the case. There is sexual tension between the detectives even though the boy-cop has a ex-wife and 16 x 10^83 kids. They eventually go to court or have to consult with the new and annoying DA (I HATE HER). Each episode ends randomly and often without any closure.

jobs I would not want

Moderator, Twilight Fan Fic site

Because it would be the worse version of being a YA reader at a publishing house, but people would submit without all those pesky obstacles like having to put in any effort or thought. And it would be the Twilight series. Probably with plenty of slash.

Posted by "no one understands me!" thirteen year olds. Gah.

top 5 tuesday

top 5 ways to spend a rainy day (of which there are and will be many)

5) Asleep
4) Planning and executing elaborate meals
3) Scrapbooking
2) Watching Kung-Fu movies
1) Making cheesy-tots and brownies for a whiny (older) sister

top 5 tuesday: halloween costumes

top five costumes I have sported for this, the best of all possible holidays:

5. pumpkin (extreme youth)
4. black cat (1995-1999)
3. Barbie (2000-2006)
2. German girl (2007)
1. firework (2008)

Not included on this list? Yeah, the ill-fated ghost debacle.

random facts

I hate math

a lot

lessons I learned the hard way

15. the day you wear a new white sweater will always be the day you spill your coffee and your cranberry juice. There are no exceptions to this rule.

lessons I learned the hard way

14. In a showdown between jeans and pavement, the pavement will probably win. Same with flesh, turns out.

learn something new today

Edith Wharton used to kick it at the estate of Henry James. Sometimes Rudyard Kipling swung by. William James, not so much. He preferred the USofA. That is, after university. Occasionally these literary elite let Stephen Crane come hang.

Now you know.

lessons I learned the hard way

13. Skipping class makes it difficult to do the homework






difficult...or more interesting?

cultural commentary

(from the Seattle PI's review of "Phantom", 9/14/08):

"Sure, there's more talent than taste on display, the first act lasts longer than dinosaurs did, and the musical hooks have a repetitiveness that would make a punk band blush."

quotes of our father

(about Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin):

"She can be VP-Diddy."

under-appreciated potential superpowers

The ability to transform into a dinosaur


think about it
you could be a fucking dinosaur

guess the show

A jaundiced dysfunctional family have myriad adventures in a fictional town set in a notoriously unnamed US state, where they harass their Bible-loving next-door neighbors, frequent an apparently-unpopular dive bar, and cause no end of headaches to bosses and principals, all the while coining popular catchphrases and paying homage to every facet of pop culture you're not smart enough to understand allusions to.

top 5 tuesday: stuff I should do

Things a Responsible, Productive Member of Society Would Do

5. lesson plan
4. deal with bills, accounts, and money
3. set and achieve some goals
2. stretch (maybe even exercise!)
1. sleep when it's actually night time

top 5 tuesday

Top 5 things that have already happened to me in college that shouldn't have (I have been here for a week)

5) skipped a class
4) partied on a school night
3) spoke to an RA drunk
2) walked in on my roommate boning her boyfriend
1) had the cops show up at my room

lessons I learned the hard way

12. empire waist tops may be fashionable, but they've always been popular in the maternity section.

Not everyone is a fashionista, people.

random facts

The Cute One has been sexiled from her room...since Saturday


THANKS ROOMIE

random facts

It's free Coldstone icecream Thursday
free 3oz ice cream at Coldstone creameries

check it out!!

things I thought were impossible

4. that it would be possible to have wrinkles and also regularly hear that you look "about twelve"

top 5 tuesday: bad behaviors

Random stuff I want to do but shouldn't for various health and wealth and sanity reasons:

5. go to Fred Meyer with a debit and no plan
4. drink large quantities of coffee with flavored CoffeeMate and/or Splenda
3. watch stupid reality TV (such as the Biggest Loser) while I ought to be... well, that's another list
2. buy and read more stupid magazines (while indulging in Starbucks and/or Tully's?)
1. go to American Apparel, Urban Outfitters, and Nordstrom with a debit and lots of plans

top 5

top 5 ways to spend your birthday

5) with family
4) with friends
3) in a foreign country with family
2) in a foreign country with friends
1) with hot guys and lots of beer


that's all I am going to say on that

under-appreciated potential superpowers

selective deafness

For when the Cute One plays stupid music or when someone (like me) decides it's time to make like Mariah and belt. Also when our neighbor practices the drums, when the near-by grade school has recess, and when someone's about to spoil the ending of Monk.

guess the show

A cranky, deliberately unfriendly doctor solves ridiculously convoluted medical mysteries while his team of attractive and variously-emotionally-tormented assistants attempt to aide but end up awed by his abilities.

lessons I learned the hard way

11. it is difficult to celebrate someone's 19th birthday when she is in Bellingham

under-appreciated potential superpowers

the ability to look at a man and know how long the sex would last

how is this NOT useful?

signs of cultural implosion II

Dog sweaters, Carrot Top's career, cat fashion shows, articles defending how cool accountants are and how movies always stereotype them, the Swan pageant, that Lauren Conrad has a book deal, that anyone knows who Lauren Conrad is, the fact that Britney is "back", that Posh is the most famous former Spice Girl, the fact that a former Spice Girl is one of the most photographed people in the world, harem pants during Fashion Week, Lion King 1 1/2, all the sequels to Bring it On, that anyone would feel it necessary to remake Footloose, Rachael Ray's career beyond the Food Network, and that she markets things under the name "yum-o", the fact that Oprah gets more viewers than presidential debates, "edgy" asymmetrical bangs, Ann Coulter, everyone on My Super Sweet 16, that even women who look like Eva Longoria get photoshopped for magazine covers, the fact that people have a favorite Olsen (and that one of the Olsens was once nominated for an Emmy), bilingual education*, the fact that a neighborhood called "the meat-packing district" is a trendy place to go, the fact that some of the Disney Bridal dresses are actually pretty.

*kidding!

guess the show

I am going to give you a formula for a TV show
guess which one it is:


Every scene is an awkward interaction
It is set in a workplace
Only one male character is good looking
This phrase occurs "...put my stapler in Jell-O again"

GUESS!

jobs I would not want

Reader, YA division of major publishing house

Generally I think being a reader at a major publishing house would be an incredibly amazing job. You would get a say in what books get published! You'd read the latest and greatest things before they came out and know that you contributed to their publication and success. Your job, all day long, would be to sit and read. And give your opinion!

And who doesn't love having her opinion matter?

So why, you ask, would I want to avoid this particular division? Well, to be honest, it's not exclusively YA (young adult, for all you uncultured swine out there). I'd hate SciFi and probably romance, too. Though romance might be entertaining in its insipidness.

But YA is the genre that brings you such literary masterpieces as the Twilight series. Hundreds of desperate Harry Potter knock-offs. Spin offs of TV shows. Spin offs of TV shows that themselves are based on YA novels.

And that's the shit that's actually getting published.

I have no doubt that the department receives literally thousands of submissions a year written by angstful, maladjusted teenage girls about similarly unpopular (but beautiful!) heroines who in various uninteresting ways defeat the popular (and generic! and stupid!) girls to win the affections of the (horrifically bland!) star of the football team.

Your entire job would be to wade through unyielding piles of adolescent self-importance, either written by people who are basically adolescents themselves or people who are just particularly good at capturing an awkward phase. And after a while even the good YA books would start to make you long for your years of senior discounts, if only because it would symbolize getting further from that horrible time when you honestly believed that you were so. different. And no one could possibly understand you. And every poorly-written book you read (for you career) would serve to remind you that, no, you were just like all the other adolescents lacking the vocabulary to come out on the other side and write an insightful novel about it.

And the good stuff? Those books that you go back and reread to this day because they struck you in the right way at the right time in your life to always mean something? Those books would probably get assigned to your coworker who wisely added a "nothing with vampires" clause to her contract.

stupid jokes

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start, and so on.

random facts

Empirical evidence suggests that Bret Michaels has a thing for blondes.

things I thought were impossible

3) Enjoying driving on 405 (North or South, that thing is a shit hole)

random facts

When packing, my strategy is to choose an appropriate-sized bag and then fill it. This results in masterful efficiency and also sometimes not.

random facts

I have seen the movie IronMan 4 times in theatres and have never seen Gone With the Wind or sat through all of Titanic

top 5 tuesday: girly movies

5. Crossroads
4. Center Stage
3. Dirty Dancing
2. Princess Bride
1. Clueless

honorable mentions: The Little Mermaid, Save the Last Dance

lessons I learned the hard way

10) you do not have an infinite supply of money

stupid jokes

There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

random facts

I wanted to include "Amanda Bynes movies" in the list of "indications of impending cultural collapse," but when I texted this fact to The Cute One, she replied:

"shuttup, I like Amanda Bynes."

You'll notice it is not in the final version of the list.

lessons I learned the hard way

9. white pants and rain are a bad combo

stupid jokes

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my father. Not crying and screaming, like the other people in his car."

signs of cultural implosion

Tokio hotel winning a VMA, Bush, the fact that Arrested Development got cancelled, the success of the Twilight series, Crocs, jumpsuits,the resurgence of stirrup pants, the enduring tabloid scrutiny of Larry Birkhead, the Jonas Brothers, and the popularity of High School Music and all movies with similar formulas including Camp Rock, and American Mall, skunk highlights, skorts being worn by anyone over the age of ten off the tennis court, the Disney bridal collection, reality shows vicious hold on television,a chain called Fatburger that gets business, the term celebutante, the popularity of the name Neveah or Heaven with the last name Lee (Heaven Lee), Katy Perry's gimmicky success being treated like a real accomplishment, how expensive ice cream is, polar bears turning green, the notion that fashion could be ironic, Mad TV's existence, movies with Amanda Bynes, deoderants that bleach your clothes, the Scary/Date/Disaster Movie franchise, the show America's Got Talent, Miley Cyrus, that USA Today is the best-selling paper in the US by far, pre-ripped jeans that retail for hundreds of dollars, boys with pants more fitted than my own

jobs I would not want

Septic Tank anything

inspector, cleaner, maintenance person, aficionado, anything

I do not want to ever in my life be near a huge tank of poop, it doesn't matter whose it is or how it got there. I do not want to ever be near it. Ever. A reasonable request, no?

things I thought were impossible

2. that the US Weekly crossword would stymie me

lessons I learned the hard way

8) if it has a surgeon general's warning on it, it is probably bad for you

just a thought

top 5 tuesday

Reasons my sister should avoid water:

5) she is cursed by the river gods
4) my personal safety
3) she gets lost
2) she loses her guide (twice)
1) she loses her beer

poor, poor Brunhilda

things our grandmother believes to be true

1) that Brunhilda was an accident

imagine that, our grandmother who lives a thousand miles away knows more about our parent's reproductive plans than they do...

lessons I learned the hard way

7. beer makes you fat

things I thought were impossible

1) the Backstreet Boys getting back together

I didn't think it was possible but dear God, I hoped it could happen
and it did
and I am seeing them
tomorrow
Brunhilda is coming
JEALOUS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD BE

top 5 tuesday

my music and arts festival weekend top 5

5. seeing a badass friend, getting dragged through a crowd with him and smoking with him
4. taking unusual forms of transportation
3. filling my concert quota for the year
2. watching people smoke weed within twenty feet of the security personnel and not even worry about it
1. making new, hilariously trailer trash drinks

RECIPES:
a "Classy Lady"
-as much whiskey as you want
-a can of diet, caffeine-free Pepsi
"Polish Nyquil"
-as much whiskey as you want
-2 6oz cans of Tree Top apple juice
both are served in a used, venti cold drink cup from Starbucks, stirred with a straw and enjoyed in your bedroom while your parents sleep down the hall

and that was my weekend

top 5 tuesday: stuff about driving

facts about me and driving

5. my backseat can hold three car seats (and has done so)
4. sunroofs are the best part of cars
3. my Corolla hydroplanes easily
2. I prefer driving now that I have an iPod hookup on my stereo
1. I dislike driving in almost all cases

lessons I learned the hard way

6. sometimes, if you want your mom to fashion you a ghost costume for Halloween, and she's very concerned about suffocation, and she insists on making a separate head piece and also cutting out the face, and your school doesn't allow face paint during school hours, your "ghost" costume will more closely resemble a nun costume. And it will make you cry.

rhetorical questions

If you try to fail and succeed, which did you do?

lessons I learned the hard way

5. don't choose your secret blogger name immediately before your sister does so

top 5 tuesday

I am actually doing a top 5 tuesday on tuesday this week

top 5 reasons to leave home for the day/weekend/week/ever

5) you left a mess in the kitchen and don't want to clean it up

4) your room smells a little funky and you are trying to air it out before you suffocate in your sleep one night

3) you are tired of cooking and cleaning for your parents

2) your dad is being sad and it makes you uncomfortable

1) your mother is being an epic bitch...epically

this is why I spend (or try to spend) so little time at home

lessons I learned the hard way

4) You may be a trooper but your liver probably isn't

top 5 tuesday

top 5 weird things that have been said to me

5. (shouted while I was strolling through the mall) "You got a fat ass"
4. (at a friend's party) "I enjoy examining your breasts"
3. (lying in the grass in the dark) "Cute One, where are my pants?"
2. (while walking through the Shakespeare festival) "Fat chicks give good head"
1. (in a club in Croatia) "Will you suck this guy's dick?'

Do you notice a pattern?

jobs I would not want

Dormitory Janitor

Being a sanitary technician is probably not anyone's absolute top choice for a career, but the horror that is this job would be exponentially increased if your placement were in a college dormitory. Because you'd be in charge of cleaning up drunk kids' puke. Probably among other gross things.

And that's probably as far as we need to go with our imaginations down that path. Yikes.

top 5 tuesday: reasons not to update your blog

5. your good friend is hanging out the night before she moves to Buffalo
4. it's Sunday and you're lazy
3. it's Sunday and there's an SVU marathon on USA
2. after catching up on Facebook and Jez, you got tired of the computer
1. you spent the weekend doing actual fun stuff in LaConner, Washington

So I'm sorry! That's my point. We're bad bloggers, but we're working on it.

things I care about more than what you're saying

Cats, fish oil, comfort technology in stilettos, any story that begins with "dude last night I had the weirdest dream," bananas, male strippers, anime, zinc, the Olympics, sand, anything involving caterpillars, fake world records, modern dance and performance art, the name of the 5th Backstreet Boy, my sister's singing career, the ped-egg, made-up tourist attractions outside of the world's largest ball of twine, chemistry, calf exercises, Ron Paul, one-piece swim suits, spatulas, the Twilight series, linear algebra, hazelnut flavoring, French films, 9/11 conspiracy theories, Zach Braff's personal life and navel-gazing ruminations thereon, pantyhose, what is trendy in Japan, laundry, plaster cast molds of famous men's junk, five-blade razors and the closest! shave! ever!, Brunhilda's wrinkles, what that kid I sat next to in 8th-grade history is up to now, the relative merits of saline vs. silicon breast implants, your ass, foot fungus, Taylor Hanson's children, martial arts, my cell phone plan, books by disgruntled former Bush aides, soup, cosmo's sex advice, Sufjan Steven's motivations for leaving Pavement, what JK Rowling is going to do now.

learn something new today

Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.

Look it up.

lessons I learned the hard way

3) Brunhilda does not give a damn about what I am talking about
:(

quotes of our father

(while the womenfolk are involved in a particularly passionate game of cards):

"Let's not use our trucker voices right now."

top 5 tuesday: TV shows to veg with

I am a little late, sorry, but facebook distracts me to no end
my list is going to be trashier than Brunny's, just a warning

5) Beauty and the Geek
season 3 was killer, putting the geeky guys with a smart and still cute girl created the most adorable awkward tensions!
4) The Real World (including Real World/Road Rules challenges)
3) Rock of Love/I love New York
I KNOW! How awful, I know but seriously what is better than Bret Michaels (balding) and going after hot, trashy, crazy women and one totally insane woman with fake gazongas going after 'gangstas' with her mom at her side screaming the whole time?
2) Greek
which we just bought the 1st season of and it has consumed me, fully, since then
1) Scrubs
I love turk. This show and a certain bel biv de voe song taught me to never trust a big butt and a smile

top 5 tuesday: TV shows to veg with

5. Beauty and the Geek
4. Psych/Monk (more or less similar)
3. The Office
2. Arrested Development
1. The Simpsons

(The Cute One's answers coming at you soon.)

lessons I learned the hard way

2. iPods are not drop-proof

jobs I would not want

Tennis Court/Golf Course Employee

Initially, the unexperienced reader might think that either of these venues would provide plenty of opportunities for active fun and a snazzy work wardrobe, but to conclude that these jobs are all upside would be wrong, to put it mildly.

The primary task an employee would perform in these instances is: picking up balls. Over and over. All day.

Once recently I played tennis with a tennis coach friend of mine, so I spent about two hours flailing around with a racket, missing, and subsequently picking up a shit ton of tennis balls. And let me tell you that after a while, the last thing in the world your mind and body want to do is bend over for that stupid yellow ball. And the next day, your hamstrings don't want to do anything at all, in protest.

And that would be your life. For which you'd probably be compensated poorly.

jobs I would not want

Snake Wrangler

It isn't a fear of snakes, oh no, not that. It is a simple want to not have my hands chewed on by toothy, wriggly beasts. Even sans venom snake bites are bad and could tear up your hands and arms pretty badly. I appreciate sweet battle scars as much as the next girl but I do not want large parts of me missing.
Also: you have to hang out in the desert all the damn time and I like the sun but not the desert all year ( I like seasons ).




Plus, maybe I am a little scared of snakes
...

lessons I learned the hard way

1. sunscreen